Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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