I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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