3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
