I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
