i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
