well you can't waste a boner
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
