history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
