just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
two words: eviction party
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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