Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
