Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
