So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel great
I just peed on a car
well you can't waste a boner
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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