I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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