It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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