my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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