I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
