I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize