i may or may not be watching the land before time
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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