p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
