i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
