what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
