we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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