I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
