he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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