dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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