Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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