i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
