We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
