I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
