I am spending my child support on dildos
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
