Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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