So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
