wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
