Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
