Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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