Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
