This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
