Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
