Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
