i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
