I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
