awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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