My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
