Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
