I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
