I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
