his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
