Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
