We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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