Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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