well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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