i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
