At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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