I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
