In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
