She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
