oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Boobs speak an international language.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
