What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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