I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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