I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
