someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
