I bet he comes in French.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
