just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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