I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
