I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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