I want to have your abortion
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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