I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
